I decided to start this blog right before moving, not exactly my brightest idea. I've just been so busy, not exactly sure what with though. There is always so much to do that at the end of the day the same things are left because we have just been so mentally drained.
The few days a week that we have KM I just want to spend all my time with her. I hate the set up that we have in the parenting agreement-- she is with him from 10a on Wednesday till 10a on Saturday. I miss my baby so much when she is not here. The break is nice for the first day but after that I am just over it. I don't believe that he should have her so much, he doesn't even care about having her. I will be bitter about this until it changes, most likely when she starts school... So I have looked into a Pre-K3. Only 2 half days a week. Has to be better than me not having her for so long during the week...
We started insemination about a week in a half ago. (We are doing ivi with kd.) After having my IUD last month I assumed that I would have crazy cycles and have to wait months to even see ovulation on a chart. But nope! we hit it perfect this month. Now it is just waiting till the 3rd to test.
I forgot how hard the TWW is. JJ will randomly talk to "my cluster of cells". It is cute and yes I named it my-cluster-of-cells. 1) We don't even know if we are pregnant 2) When I came up with this was hours after AI so implantation wasn't even close and 3) I find myself subconsciously doing things to disconnect and not form a connection at all. I've been through losses, MC and Infant loss. If there is a chance that it will happen again, I would rather deal with as little heart break as possible. Maybe I am just sounding cold, hell. I know that I will be in love as soon as the 2nd line shows up on the test and I will spend the next 9 months bonding with the baby. I know that I will. But along with the bonding will come high levels of anxiety. Love and Anxiety.
..... But it is all worth is in the end