Thursday, July 4, 2013

Birthdays and Babies

So, tomorrow will be my 23rd birthday.  It is nothing exciting.  While I may do stuff for them, since having kids, my birthday has just become another day.  Their birthdays, the holidays, days that I want to be focused on them.

 I think about how I have spent my birthday the last few years, all baby related:
  • 2009, 19th birthday, I was pregnant with ^KL^
  • 2010, 20th birthday, TTC ( and didn't know it yet but also pregnant with KM)
  • 2011, 21st birthday,  KM was a couple months old
  • 2013, 23rd birthday, TTC
Maybe there is just something about the celebration of my birth that makes me want to birth more.  lol.  I would have tons of kids it was that easy.  I love the pregnancy.  I love the bond, the creation of a new life, all the feelings that only someone who has had a child will ever understand.  I crave those feeling.  I remember my pregnancy with ^KL^ so naïve everything was just perfect.  Well yes, the pregnancy was unexpected, but she was so wanted.  Being pregnant with KM was  completely different.  I was happy, she was wanted so much as well, but with the "happy, loving, excited" feelings came the PTSD.  I had so many anxiety attacks so much fear, that only worsened after she was born.  From having KL I knew that have a healthy, full-term baby meant nothing.  ^KL^ was. Nothing wrong.  Got the option to go home early from the hospital cause she was doing so well-- an option that I will never be given again.  I will have to stay the "full-time", if not longer.  Everything has changed since having ^KL^.

I sit back and think.  God I want another baby so bad, hell we are TTC, not the easiest thing for my and J.  I want the happiness of pregnancy and a new life.  I will get that no doubt, but I will also receive the fear.  Something that will never go away.  Something that I will worry about every time that I TTC, every time that I get pregnant, every time that I give birth to that perfect baby.  And something that I will worry about my whole life.  As I watch KM grow, I still worry.  I will worry till the day that I die.  Your children are meant to bury you.  Though it is difficult for them, that is the normal order of life.  I will fear everyday of my life that I may have to bury another one of my children.  I am suppose to be here to teach them what they need to know about life, so they need to be here with me so that I can do that.  ^KL^ has taught me so much about life, and continues to.  KM has done the same.  They have both shown me different views of the world.  I just want to be able to do the same. 

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”
Angela Schwindt

And this has become just another ramble from me....

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