Birthdays and Babies

So, tomorrow will be my 23rd birthday.  It is nothing exciting.  While I may do stuff for them, since having kids, my birthday has just become another day.  Their birthdays, the holidays, days that I want to be focused on them.

 I think about how I have spent my birthday the last few years, all baby related:

• 2009, 19th birthday, I was pregnant with ^KL^
• 2010, 20th birthday, TTC ( and didn't know it yet but also pregnant with KM)
• 2011, 21st birthday,  KM was a couple months old
• 2013, 23rd birthday, TTC

Maybe there is just something about the celebration of my birth that makes me want to birth more.  lol.  I would have tons of kids it was that easy.  I love the pregnancy.  I love the bond, the creation of a new life, all the feelings that only someone who has had a child will ever understand.  I crave those feeling.  I remember my pregnancy with ^KL^ so naïve everything was just perfect.  Well yes, the pregnancy was unexpected, but she was so wanted.  Being pregnant with KM was  completely different.  I was happy, she was wanted so much as well, but with the "happy, loving, excited" feelings came the PTSD.  I had so many anxiety attacks so much fear, that only worsened after she was born.  From having KL I knew that have a healthy, full-term baby meant nothing.  ^KL^ was. Nothing wrong.  Got the option to go home early from the hospital cause she was doing so well-- an option that I will never be given again.  I will have to stay the "full-time", if not longer.  Everything has changed since having ^KL^.

I sit back and think.  God I want another baby so bad, hell we are TTC, not the easiest thing for my and J.  I want the happiness of pregnancy and a new life.  I will get that no doubt, but I will also receive the fear.  Something that will never go away.  Something that I will worry about every time that I TTC, every time that I get pregnant, every time that I give birth to that perfect baby.  And something that I will worry about my whole life.  As I watch KM grow, I still worry.  I will worry till the day that I die.  Your children are meant to bury you.  Though it is difficult for them, that is the normal order of life.  I will fear everyday of my life that I may have to bury another one of my children.  I am suppose to be here to teach them what they need to know about life, so they need to be here with me so that I can do that.  ^KL^ has taught me so much about life, and continues to.  KM has done the same.  They have both shown me different views of the world.  I just want to be able to do the same. 

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”
― Angela Schwindt

 

 

And this has become just another ramble from me....